tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post5447165087958492060..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Logline #4K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-45755296430472827852011-10-18T11:32:51.694-04:002011-10-18T11:32:51.694-04:00This is much improved. But I'm having a proble...This is much improved. But I'm having a problem with the first sentence. I'm confused by the boyfriend and human lover and who abducted who. I like the second sentence, but you could lose the "to make matters worse" part, it's unnecessary. Shuffle some things around and play around with it. It's getting there. Good luck!Lisa B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11499350159201423248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-10483511927669401382011-10-17T21:54:08.811-04:002011-10-17T21:54:08.811-04:00I get a straight sense of conflict right out of th...I get a straight sense of conflict right out of the gate, which is good. I like that. Is her goal only to save her human boyfriend, or is there something about the transformation ceremony that holds a conflict/goal too? <br /><br />I hope this helps. Good luck! :)K.T. Crowleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-5675338066843522242011-10-17T21:27:07.549-04:002011-10-17T21:27:07.549-04:00I think this is definitely improved. I'm not s...I think this is definitely improved. I'm not sure about the middle sentence, however. I think the stakes seem higher when you focus on her saving her boyfriend, even if it means outing herself. The sentence about the ceremony distracts a bit from that. Stick with the first and third sentence (omitting "before the ritual") and it's punchier, I believe.tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.com