tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post5858663305107685757..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: December Buyer's Remorse #5K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-23021046456479360582011-12-15T12:43:52.078-05:002011-12-15T12:43:52.078-05:00I like Kimberely's suggestion for the first pa...I like Kimberely's suggestion for the first paragraph. But I'd go a bit further.<br /><br />Kimberely's:<br /><br />The scream pushed up through my chest like a hairball that demanded to be dislodged. I swallowed, willing it to expel itself from the hold it had on me. The pain was clogging my airways, and my attempts were weakening. I willed myself to be stronger, to blink away the fear that was just shown to me, but I could not.<br />---------<br /><br />The scream pushed up through my chest. A hairball demanding to be dislodged. (THE SCREAM NOW BECOMES THE HAIRBALL -- CHANGE FROM SIMILE TO METAPHORE) I swallowed, willed it to expel itself NOW THE WORD 'ITSELF' MEANS SOMETHING. My airways felt clogged. I tried to be strong--will myself to be strong. Blink away the fear that was just shown to me.<br /><br />But I could not. (Great suggestion, Kimberely!)<br /><br />You don't need the rest of the paragraph. It ends perfectly here. (: For the rest of it you need to cut, cut, cut. Lots of good stuff, just tighten it up. Good work!billhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09899568765344371884noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-41039234988262938812011-12-15T01:37:07.319-05:002011-12-15T01:37:07.319-05:00I like the first paragraph, but I'll admit I a...I like the first paragraph, but I'll admit I am skeptical of a scream coming up like a hairball. It doesn't feel comparable to me - the way you describe the anxiety and pain...it just doesn't feel like an apt synonym. "Like a girl who'd be exorcised" now that I can get behind.<br /><br />The pool bit was confusing - I feel like I know what you meant, but had to interpret the meaning instead of reading it. She's not in a pool when she wakes up but she feels she came out of one? That was confusing to me.<br /><br />But I love the voice of the character - emotional, reeling. Really lovely.Jacynth Richhttp://jacynthrich.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-61681606687213600122011-12-15T00:04:05.616-05:002011-12-15T00:04:05.616-05:00This sentence confused me, as if she expected to b...This sentence confused me, as if she expected to be in a pool: "Looking around the dark expanse of my room, I wasn't floating lifeless on the placid surface of a pool,"<br /><br />I do feel like I want to know why she is feeling the way she just did though I almost feel like maybe she just had a dream (hence why she is on her bed) which would not be a good thing to start with IMHO.<br /><br />You did an excellent job with description. Kuddos for that.Stephanie S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13718629283240176607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-42094787056087259392011-12-14T20:52:38.524-05:002011-12-14T20:52:38.524-05:00The first paragraph, while building tension, could...The first paragraph, while building tension, could be condensed just a bit and broken into two.<br /><br />The scream pushed up through my chest like a hairball that demanded to be dislodged. I swallowed, willing it to expel itself from the hold it had on me. The pain was clogging my airways, and my attempts were weakening. I willed myself to be stronger, to blink away the fear that was just shown to me, but I could not.<br /><br />Relenting, I sprang up in my bed and released the chilling, agonizing scream. And like a girl who had just been exorcized, my feeble body fell back onto my pillow and prepared itself for the calm down process that always followed. <br /><br />--<br /><br />The pool reference at the beginning of the third paragraph confused me. Was she dreaming that she was drowning? That was the implication I got, later on, when she was actually drenched as if she had been in a pool for real, which makes it more chilling (dream come to life). Perhaps make it more clear that's the connection.KimberlyFDRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01969245120222671022noreply@blogger.com