tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post632294581762867721..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: BD One Last Chance Logline #7K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-92005008924323369552012-10-30T23:03:09.082-04:002012-10-30T23:03:09.082-04:00Also, I'm post #20, Codename Eagle Chick, if a...Also, I'm post #20, Codename Eagle Chick, if anyone wants to know.Veronica Duffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13332096999210903374noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-31890636298333852372012-10-30T22:53:06.212-04:002012-10-30T22:53:06.212-04:00This sounds very similar to Cornelia Funkë's I...This sounds very similar to Cornelia Funkë's Inkheart trilogy re: word world-shaping powers not being so secret. But then this also sounds a lot like the new Tron movie wherein the protagonist plunged into a dangerous where his dad was a rockstar and has to navigate through a dangerous world against even more dangerous opponents.<br /><br />Anywho, on to your log line--these would be my revisions:<br />Fifteen year-old Callypso Moon can secretly *create with words. But when she stumbles across a note written by her dead father, she discovers that her gift might not be so secret. When one of her father's old enemies sends men to kidnap her, Callypso finds herself **thrust into a world of ***grudges and ****powers that rival her own and must decide whether to bail out as quickly as possible, or help others out of the mess her father created.<br /><br />*create is a very bland verb that doesn't really say what Callypso's powers are, and I'd suggest something stronger.<br />**thrust implies the suddenly, and you don't need both.<br />***see above with "unresolved grudges"<br />****unless you can put a bow on it, I wouldn't call it a gift. It's too vague for this, again.Veronica Duffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13332096999210903374noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-84174797670006776512012-10-27T17:59:32.681-04:002012-10-27T17:59:32.681-04:00Sounds very interesting. To tighten this up a litt...Sounds very interesting. To tighten this up a little, I'd put a period after "her own." Then I'd reword the last sentence: She must decide whether to bail or help others out of the mess her father created.<br /><br />Good luck!Carmenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01502915116446772081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-65899544993475447382012-10-27T12:26:11.816-04:002012-10-27T12:26:11.816-04:00This looks like an intriguing story, but there may...This looks like an intriguing story, but there may be too many ideas. Can you boil it down more?<br />eg. "...can secretly create with words..." What does this mean? ie. you need to explain why it's a gift ie. why the reader should care. <br /><br />Also, I suggest breaking up/trimming the second sentence; I found it tough to follow. <br />Loglines are not easy to write, so I would say this is a good stab but needs work. Lucianne Poolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10687732495236270127noreply@blogger.com