tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post7128542929398664802..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: BD One Last Chance Logline #21K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-9733020093631472912012-10-28T09:52:49.912-04:002012-10-28T09:52:49.912-04:00Love this! My only suggestion is for the last line...Love this! My only suggestion is for the last line, which read a bit clunky for me. How about: but he must use all his smarts to retrieve it from a library locked by unbreakable magic.<br /><br />Shannon Schurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03058507888547956144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-65595651979440299052012-10-28T04:17:49.964-04:002012-10-28T04:17:49.964-04:00I like the concept. Sounds great. My suggestion wo...I like the concept. Sounds great. My suggestion would be to go through and cut it down a bit and bed careful of how many times you use the word magic.<br /><br />cBill Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12727407427730937429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-77612873526007480902012-10-27T22:23:09.362-04:002012-10-27T22:23:09.362-04:00Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement - I ...Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement - I really appreciate it! I'll be taking on board all the suggestions above when I make my revisions. yvonnecnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-25841118873780488032012-10-27T14:53:09.959-04:002012-10-27T14:53:09.959-04:00I love this!
The first sentence is perfect. The ne...I love this!<br />The first sentence is perfect. The next one is a little long and clunky. What about something like:<br /><br />A hiddle manuscript offers Timothy hope, something written in its pages could reverse the magic that has transformed him into part-mouse/part-boy. The only problem is it's kept in a library locked by _____and he'll have to use all his smarts to break the spell and become normal again.<br /><br />I'm not sure what word you need to describe how the door is locked. Just a thought!<br />Best of luck!DanaEhttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-53531995475928951432012-10-27T13:25:56.358-04:002012-10-27T13:25:56.358-04:00I like your concept. But I agree with Suzanne, it&...I like your concept. But I agree with Suzanne, it's confusing. Does Timothy open the box and bad things happen? Manju Howardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18043840425498808764noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-18172000193936151642012-10-27T11:15:12.604-04:002012-10-27T11:15:12.604-04:00This sounds interesting: a half-mouse, a locked li...This sounds interesting: a half-mouse, a locked library, and a box of dark magic. I'm confused by the delivery, though. Who does he deliver it to? Why is Timothy delivering it? Where did it come from? I'm sure these questions are all answered in the story, but maybe a hint of this would make that first sentence clearer. Maybe, even one word, like When 11-yr-old "messenger" Timothy... for instance, if that's what he is.<br /><br />Sounds interesting. Best of luck!Suzanne R. Kleinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00253505336555048796noreply@blogger.com