tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post8492602297156145668..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Prep Work Round 3 #5K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-56702736655651103712013-10-14T21:07:07.139-04:002013-10-14T21:07:07.139-04:00No problem. I have the same problem. Personally, I...No problem. I have the same problem. Personally, I don't think the first page needs to spell everything up. It's the scene that begins the story and action, but it doesn't need to be all up in your face with it's plot. But I'm not an agent or editor, so take that with a grain of salt.<br />I really like the condensed version. It's concise and gets all of the stakes out of the way. If you want to stress that Calli's not from there, you might be able to work in 'human' or 'outsider'. L.M. Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05834881688010514126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-76523048665793076042013-10-14T20:28:07.389-04:002013-10-14T20:28:07.389-04:00Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions! I ...Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions! I know the logline stinks. There are so many elements to the story that I'm having trouble narrowing it down. The reason I spelled out that she follows him into the enchanted land is that the first four chapters are set in our world and I didn't want the discrepancy between an ALL fantasy logline and a NO fantasy first page. What is your opinion on that?<br />Here's a more condensed all fantasy logline:<br />In order to save her father’s life, thirteen-year-old Calli must help two elves and a beautiful faerie rescue a kidnapped prince from an evil changeling before the flowers for the healing nectar are no longer in bloom.<br /><br />If you don't have time to comment again, I understand. Thanks either way!Stephanie C.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07356626642508484772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-59541315042922543462013-10-13T11:23:14.807-04:002013-10-13T11:23:14.807-04:00Sorry to be so short here, but I agree with the ot...Sorry to be so short here, but I agree with the others. Your logline needs work, but the first page is good. After reading your logline, I braced myself for the worst, but I was happily surprised. Well done.Maurahttps://twitter.com/maura_jortnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-71144256154206964282013-10-13T11:03:17.489-04:002013-10-13T11:03:17.489-04:00I think your 250 are good. Got nothing to complain...I think your 250 are good. Got nothing to complain about there:) <br /><br />Your logline feels like it needs the stakes underlined.That line 'before they'll help her save him' is almost lost by everything else happening around it.<br /><br />Basically she needs a lot of help in this crazy new world to save her Dad and the only ones willing have stipulated that she risk her life with sirens etc to do it.That needs to be brought out loud and clear. <br /><br />Also it looks like we have two separate stories - seems like the most important thing should be saving her Dad but we've got a Faerie prince hogging the show..is there a tie-in? I hope there is. <br /><br />PS I agree with LM that you definitely don't need the healing nectar, it just makes the sentence run on too long. Good luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-56851609690580275522013-10-13T00:22:18.129-04:002013-10-13T00:22:18.129-04:00Hi! I'm going to comment in parentheses next t...Hi! I'm going to comment in parentheses next to what I'm referring to. <br /><br />When thirteen-year-old Calli’s father disappears, she follows his trail into an enchanted land at war with an evil changeling where he’s been injured and needs a magical healing nectar to survive (This sentence is too long. The 'where...survive' part reads as though it's referring to the evil changeling. Do we need to know he needs a magical nectar? Or could you just say something along the lines of Her father's injured and needs magical healing?) . Before they’ll help her save him, she must help two elves and beautiful faerie cross a river full of sirens, and infiltrate the hobgoblin caves to rescue their kidnapped faerie prince. (On a personal note, I think I'd prefer this sentence in reverse--Calli must help the elves rescue their prince from a hobgoblin cave protected by sirens before the elves will help her save her father. I don't know. I just think putting what she has to do followed by the ultimatum/stakes sounds better with your first sentence. It keeps it from being too heavy on the 'modifier, object verb' structure.)<br /><br /><br /><br />I don't have many comments on the 250 words. It's full of voice. The pacing and structure works because it's so consistent. My only possible comments are picky little personal preferences. Good luck!L.M. Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05834881688010514126noreply@blogger.com