tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post8624687593132981740..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: BD One Last Chance Logline #33K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-51402821887424474932012-10-29T03:11:57.194-04:002012-10-29T03:11:57.194-04:00Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I'm...Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I'm new here, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post edits... If not, I can delete it. Does this work better?<br /><br />Zephyr, a twelve-year-old half-Asian boy, embarks on a wild adventure across the continents into the world of Asian wizards to discover his parents’ secrets after they disappear. When he seeks help from his mother’s professors at Madame Wong’s School for Gifted Witches, he learns that his parents are not dead but that he can save them. However, in the process, he unveils a family secret that is more painful to him than death itself.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183360328367818422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-23946123856823363952012-10-28T22:22:30.266-04:002012-10-28T22:22:30.266-04:00I concur with the others and feel that this might ...I concur with the others and feel that this might be too much detail for a log line, although the concept is really intriguing. I like Shannon's suggestion for stream lining.Anita Saxenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12444339735834716979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-10320377688506516612012-10-28T08:43:34.717-04:002012-10-28T08:43:34.717-04:00I think you can lose the names without losing any ...I think you can lose the names without losing any of the flavor. Just keep magical Time Keeper, failed witch, and evil Lord of Black Magic. We don't need to know any more specifics in the logline. I think 'seeks revenge on him' is confusing as an ending. If this Black Magic Lord is the one responsible for the parents' disappearance, why is he also seeking revenge? Shouldn't it be the other way around? How about something like: "along the way he learns that the Lord of Black Magic responsible for the disappearance of his parents is also his biological father." Shannon Schurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03058507888547956144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-8998594528735745662012-10-27T17:27:35.470-04:002012-10-27T17:27:35.470-04:00I'd also suggest to trim this down a little. I...I'd also suggest to trim this down a little. I think it'd help if you could limit the character names. You could say: When Zephyr, a half-Asian boy, embarks on a wild adventure with his magical Time Keeper and a failed witch into the world of Asian wizards to save his parents...<br /><br />Good luck! Carmenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01502915116446772081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-38603024820102925962012-10-27T17:09:23.658-04:002012-10-27T17:09:23.658-04:00I suggest breaking this up into separate sentences...I suggest breaking this up into separate sentences. As it reads now, it is pretty confusing (for example, by the end, I wasn't sure whom was seeking revenge on whom). Also, give us more to latch onto. Why did the evil lord banish his parents to the ether? What does Zephyr do to seek revenge?RedCard10noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-89831372397121928732012-10-27T15:06:11.875-04:002012-10-27T15:06:11.875-04:00Okay, this is a tough one. You've got a great ...Okay, this is a tough one. You've got a great premise here and you want to get in lots of ideas. I'd suggest you break this up into 2-3 clear sentences. Here's one idea:<br /><br />Zephyr, a half-Asian (give age) boy, embarks on a wild adventure into the world of Asian wizards to save his parents. Along for the ride are Ming, his magical Time Keeper, and Zeela, a failed witch. Together they discover that his biological father is Lepton Black, the evil Lord of Black Magic who is responsible for the disappearance of his parents and wants him dead.<br /><br />Just a thought! Good luck!Dana Ehttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com