tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post8633230102031949224..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #35K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-56748146457079565632012-12-28T09:40:00.547-05:002012-12-28T09:40:00.547-05:00I love this story! Charming and packed with advent...I love this story! Charming and packed with adventure from the get go. The litter size doesn't bother me a bit. I'd love to read this with my kids and wish you the best of luck. Marlana Antifithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04618800081521893095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-53545696967034308662012-12-23T23:29:58.407-05:002012-12-23T23:29:58.407-05:00I enjoyed the selection and agree with many of the...I enjoyed the selection and agree with many of the prior comments. I do wonder, though, if you might want to expand your narrator's breadth of knowledge. To me, it seems as if the narrator has a very limited viewpoint. I'm seeing what Tobin is doing and, to some extent, thinking, but not what he's feeling. The 3rd person narration can work, but I think we could be more involved as readers if we know a bit more about what's on his mind.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />MaryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-83161143030133390102012-12-20T22:19:27.963-05:002012-12-20T22:19:27.963-05:00I think this is charming, and adorable. I'm ro...I think this is charming, and adorable. I'm rooting for him, and love the perspective of the tall grass, looking for hawks above, the toadstools. Is a word missing (darting a zig, then [a] zag)? Would junior mice be capitalized, as it seems to be a group name? Also, this seems a little younger than Middle Grade to me, but I am not an expert. I really think this story is so charming, and quickly hooks me. I'd read on.Pam Loringnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-32409212443722647032012-12-20T19:36:09.413-05:002012-12-20T19:36:09.413-05:00THANK YOU all so much! Great suggestions, and it&#...THANK YOU all so much! Great suggestions, and it's so nice to hear what worked. I love the idea of "dread forest" in the log line. Very cool. I can certainly streamline the open a bit. As for the last paragraph-- maybe I could punch that up a bit and get a way from the "telly-ness" by show his nerves about getting the weather report in on time. <br /><br />Thank you all again! Rina Heiselhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16428957510374534772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-87875772362538950662012-12-20T08:27:33.157-05:002012-12-20T08:27:33.157-05:00I enjoyed this selection. The last paragraph didn...I enjoyed this selection. The last paragraph didn't have quite the punch/excitement the rest of the page had...maybe because it's doing more telling than showing.<br /><br />For the logline, I think you need to clarify what he has to save his family from--what exactly are the stakes?<br /><br />Sounds like an interesting animal adventure story and as a reader of MG books, I'd probably read on.Samantha Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193467123499224688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-88062206038345754852012-12-19T01:33:19.707-05:002012-12-19T01:33:19.707-05:00This was really lovely, and the 'Rules' ad...This was really lovely, and the 'Rules' add a nice punch to it. I don't have any suggestions - I'd read on in a heartbeat :)Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-14283865591994194192012-12-18T19:40:13.726-05:002012-12-18T19:40:13.726-05:00Oh my. I'm so sorry I can't say anything t...Oh my. I'm so sorry I can't say anything to help - this was fabulous!GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-49231961550171396032012-12-18T13:43:39.079-05:002012-12-18T13:43:39.079-05:00I really liked this. It made me think of "De...I really liked this. It made me think of "Despereaux." <br /><br />I agree with what the other commenters have said, and just have one nitpicky thing to add. Don't mice usually have more than one baby at a time - like 6 or 7 in a litter? And multiple litters a year? It kind of pulled me out of the story a bit to hear the reference to "a new sibling." Just something to think about.<br /><br />Otherwise I liked it. Good luck.K Callardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-58104769909826527482012-12-17T23:20:38.368-05:002012-12-17T23:20:38.368-05:00The second line of the logline seems stuffed, but ...The second line of the logline seems stuffed, but I like the info presented. Maybe: "To save his family, he must go deep into the dread forest with only his Rodentia know-how, and an unreliable snake, as a guide."<br /><br />Despite my quibbling, I love the tone and the premise. Pacing is good. There may be some grammatical snafus but I'm no grammarian. Maybe switch out "for" for "amongst" after Seed-finder? The smells in the air "were" safe (colon): clover and honeysuckle.<br /><br />I know 250 is short, but a hint to his feeling about the new sibling would help.<br /><br />All in all, I would buy this for my kid and read it myself.Scribble Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08647864024496048217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-64087703393308439432012-12-17T22:54:48.775-05:002012-12-17T22:54:48.775-05:00I love the title and think the logline is good and...I love the title and think the logline is good and have always been partial to mouse stories! I would change the first line which might enhance the tension - "Tobin crouched beneath a toadstool, recalling his recent training." It could be tightened a bit to pick up the pace. "Tobin burst from the toadstool, cutting back and forth to avoid any pouncing bobcat or swooping bird" "He blinked, his eyes adjusting to the dark tunnels". I would read more and wish you the best of luck!Andreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10418273865819171708noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-60409018621970441552012-12-17T13:02:25.116-05:002012-12-17T13:02:25.116-05:00I have nothing negative to say. I truely like thi...I have nothing negative to say. I truely like this beginning. It made me smile as I remembered my childhood favorites like Ralph S Mouse, or The Secret of Nymh.<br />I would read further.Sumbeenoreply@blogger.com