Title: Smoke and Wait
Genre: Urban Fantasy
http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/2011/10/logline-critique-round-3-21.html
Special Agent Alexandra MacPherson’s forte is arresting sociopaths who
blow things up, not decapitating monsters that replicate through their
victims. But she will, and accept help from a man she barely knows and
doesn’t trust, if it means solving an ugly case. With any luck, Alex
won't die in the process, or come back if she does.
This sounds like a great story, but this logline is a bit choppy. It needs to flow better. I'm not getting a clear sense of why she's facing these monsters. Are they the antagonist or is it the man? Using what's above, maybe something like this might flow better:
ReplyDeleteSpecial Agent Alexandra MacPherson's forte is arresting sociopaths, not decapitating monsters who replicate through their victims. She'll do what she has to to solve an ugly case, though, even if it means accepting help from a man she barely knows and doesn't trust.
Then adjust the last sentence to make more sense, it feels incomplete to me, like the consequence is missing. How would she come back?
I hope this helps! Good luck. :)
The first line works, but you need to work on the next.
ReplyDeleteA thought:
When she is attacked by the monsters, she must (more specific goal) and avoid dying in the process, or come back if she does.