Monday, October 17, 2011

Logline #20

Title: Into Nevermore
Genre: MG Fantasy Adventure

On Firma, Earth’s unusual sister-planet, Felix witnesses his puckish mentor being dragged into the Nevermore Woods by cloaked figures. Everyone thinks the kidnapping is a prank, but Felix knows better and must brave the forest and its sinister creatures in order to save him.

5 comments:

  1. Good job revising this! The only hitch for me is the phrase "Earth's unusual sister-planet." We don't know why it's unusual, so mentioning that only raises a question that's not answered. I think the sentence reads fine without it.

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  2. I agree~ you did a great job of revising. I didn't notice any problem with "Earth's unusual sister-planet" until I read the above comment. Then it caught my eye, but it didn't stop me at all reading it for the first time. Best of luck with this!

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  3. Awesome, thank you! I want the reader to know it doesn't take place on Earth. :-/

    x

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  4. Great job revising--I think that this is much clearer than the original.

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  5. I want to know more, so I would read this for sure.

    I'd consider dropping "unusual". As Tarak said, it raises a question without an answer. I think you did a great job!

    Hope this helps. Good luck! :)

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