A serial killer has made the worlds most popular social networking sites his personal hunting ground and is now coming after Bainbridge Island homicide detective Sarah Lake and her past.
Hmm - this needs clarification. My biggest question is: who is the protagonist? The killer or Sarah? If Sarah, she needs a goal. As written, she's just a potential victim. If either, they need consequences if they fail.
I agree with Heather. If Sarah is your MC, you need to put her up front with her goal. And you can't go after someone's past unless you're a time traveler. He can, however, reveal her past.
Try this:
Detective Sarah Lake must capture a serial killer who has made social networking his personal hunting ground. But Sarah is his next target and he knows things about her she'd prefer the world forget.
This clarifies a bit but we still don't know what the main stakes of the game are. Is it her past? Is it her life? Is he going after someone she loves?
As stated above by two wonderful critique-givers, I'm not sure of who the protagonist is. Also, I don't think you need the location of where Sarah is a detective. Unless the location plays a main role in the story (i.e. it's famous for these kind of murders), it's not needed in the logline.
I'm also wondering if there is a specific social network the killer uses, because above it's plural. If it's just one site (like facebook), then I'd be specific about that.
Hmm - this needs clarification. My biggest question is: who is the protagonist? The killer or Sarah? If Sarah, she needs a goal. As written, she's just a potential victim. If either, they need consequences if they fail.
ReplyDeleteHow can a serial killer go after someone's past?
world's
I agree with Heather. If Sarah is your MC, you need to put her up front with her goal. And you can't go after someone's past unless you're a time traveler. He can, however, reveal her past.
ReplyDeleteTry this:
Detective Sarah Lake must capture a serial killer who has made social networking his personal hunting ground. But Sarah is his next target and he knows things about her she'd prefer the world forget.
This clarifies a bit but we still don't know what the main stakes of the game are. Is it her past? Is it her life? Is he going after someone she loves?
I'm loving the social networking aspect here!
ReplyDeleteAs stated above by two wonderful critique-givers, I'm not sure of who the protagonist is. Also, I don't think you need the location of where Sarah is a detective. Unless the location plays a main role in the story (i.e. it's famous for these kind of murders), it's not needed in the logline.
I'm also wondering if there is a specific social network the killer uses, because above it's plural. If it's just one site (like facebook), then I'd be specific about that.
I hope this helps. Good luck! :)